i have been absent

for quite some time actually. there have been things going on in my mind and in my life which have made writing to the vast expanse of lurky internets an unpalatable thought. so i havent.

Christmas is going to be hard this year. there should be another little warm body with me to experience it. and there isnt. and who knows if there ever will be? its in Gods hands, and im trying very hard to accept that, but its difficult. so difficult. i want to scream, and throw things, and generally act like an over tired 3 year old - ive been watching his tantrum and thats EXACTLY how i feel. i want something, but everything offered is WRONG and it makes me ANGRY and i just want to scream and collapse on the floor and fall asleep.

so thats been the past few weeks, and the reason for the lack of activity, if anyone out there actually noticed.



on to now. in which i will rant, and possibly make people hate me, but im sorry. hypocrisy annoys me no end.



anna recently 'came out' as jewish. for that i say YAY at being confident enough to do something that made you nervous before. i dont think many of your readers will turn on you - we are all God's children, following as best we can.

and it made me think about my father. and the many many problems i have with him.

i love my father very much, but unfortunately i dont like him very much. hes loud and yelly, bossy and self absorbed, can never admit to being wrong, and has the most annoying lecture voice in the history of the universe. but my biggest problem with my father is his faith. or rather, the hypocrisy with which he surrounds his faith.

my fathers family were - he thinks - originally polish jews. some of them moved to england sometime between the two wars, and changed their name to sound less jewish. others were not so fortunate, and im quite certain i have relatives scattered across europe in unmarked graves. not a comforting thought.

my grandmother was irish catholic, although my father's genealogical digging indicates that her family may have originally been spanish jews. my father was raised christian - his father was fairly non observant - and went to an anglican boarding school. it wasnt until his 30s that he really started the journey through judaism to his current beliefs.

im going to say right here and now that i know my father is wrong, and he knows i am wrong, and neither of us will Know until God decides the world is done. and thats fine. we are all Gods children.

i have no problems with my fathers faith, other than knowing he is wrong. thats fine. like i said, he knows i am wrong too. i do have problems with the way he puts things into practice.

no work on saturdays:
ok. fine. ive never quite understood how turning on a light is working, or how pressing the button to cross the road is working, but if youre not allowed to do so, dont. its between you and God, and really none of my business. what annoys me is asking non-jewish family members to go out of their way to come to your house to press the button in the elevator so you can go to synagogue... God can see what youre doing there. He can also see how youre getting around not carrying a set of keys in your pocket (this is the most peculiar 'not working' aspect ive come across) by ripping a button off your coat and using your 'keychain' to tie it closed.

modest clothing:
so women are supposed to be covered from neck to knees, and down to the elbows. and hair covered. this is more extreme than i, or many christians, take it, but again, between you and God. God currently wants me to wear skirts and cover my shoulders. maybe at some point He will desire that i always wear stockings, or shirts that cover my elbows, or cover my hair. i dont know. apparently he desires that your wife cover her hair, wear skirts past the knee, and shirts that reach past the elbow, and up to the neck. i didnt realise the rules didnt apply if she thinks there wont be any jewish men around. wearing whatever she wants in her own house, where no-one can see her? i can see that. im sure God doesnt mind me wearing sleeveless shirts and pj pants in my house when its just me here. but sticking to tsinius when she's in suburb B because its a jewish community, and wearing whatever she wants in the whole of the rest of the city because there are less jews around, well. God can see what your doing there. my husband is a man, whether he is jewish or not.

kosher food:
God does not want you to eat pigs. He does not want you to eat shellfish. He does not want you to eat meals that mix milk and meat. He does not want you to eat food made in my house, because our plates/saucepans/sinks etc. often contain both milk and meat, and very often pigmeat - usually combined with milk. double bad there. if YOU decide to relax kosher for one day so you can eat Christmas dinner at my house, that is between you and God. i'm not sure why you want to celebrate Christmas at my house when you dont believe in it, but hey. family gatherings are always good. but please dont keep on and on about it. God doesnt mind if i eat pigs, or a cheeseburger, or a non-kosher turkey, or pasta made with ham and cream, so thats whats in my house. i dont mind if you bring your own food, and paper plates to eat on, but this is my house, and it is NOT MY PROBLEM if you cannot eat because I DONT DO KOSHER. you know we are non-kosher, you should expect not to be able to eat our food. and yes, i still believe kosher chicken tastes weird. the lamb is good, the eef is good, the chicken tastes like chemicals.

hanukkah:
if you want to give my son hanukkah presents, this is fine. when he actually understands things a bit, i fully intend to explain to him that you dont believe the same as us, and im quite happy for you to talk to him all about what you believe. should he decide he doesnt believe in Christ, and wants to convert to judaism, i would be sad, but that would be fine too. if you want to give him presents for hanukkah, do so. there is no need to give him christmas presents as well. you dont believe in christmas. i know its become another 'hallmark holiday' but there is no reason to buy into all that. give him hanukkah presents. stick to your faith.

and on an entirely non-religious based note, would you please stop mentioning my weight EVERY TIME you see me? i have neither gained, nor lost any weight for about a year. its all in your head.