I Feel Old

The cupcakes I made for my birthday

It was my birthday on friday. I turned 28. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm still just a baby, but I tell you, I feel old at the moment. The weather is making my knees hurt, I just want to curl up in the corner and knit. Or die, that would stop the pain.

I'm not looking forward to next birthday, but I am looking forward to a few months time when the weather heats up and the pain recedes a little. Also, there should be FLOWERS!!

Until then I'm laying claim to the blankets and the asprin. And the chocolate.

Gallows Humour

At the very beginning of December, I found out a good friend was pregnant. She comes over most weeks, we lets the kids run riot and enjoy what is sometimes the only adult conversation we have all week, other than our husbands. (And seriously, do boys necessarily count as adult conversation? I'm not sure the merits of one wrestler over another, and just exactly why golf is so wonderful really count.) That week, she had been feeling 'odd', and while she wasn't *ahem* late, she decided it would be worth a test anyway, so she bought one on her way over.

Due to not being late, the line took a looooooooong time to come up, and was very faint. So she used the one I had left over from last July with Gosling, just to be sure. We looked at those tests, and while those lines took a while, both of them were definitely there. By August, we would have 4 kids between us.

We've joked in the last couple of years that she's been stalking and copying me, trying to imitate my life. Her little girl is almost exactly 18months younger than Critter, and people often think they're siblings when we're out. (Her husband is half-greek and mine's mostly-half-italian, so the kids have ended up with olive skin, but somehow they've also both ended up with blondish hair and super-dark eyes. Gosling is the only one who's blue. I'm sure people think all three are mine, since she is a tiny blue eyed brunnette.) The new one was going to be 18months younger than Gosling - the same 4.5yr age gap as mine have. We laughed and joked, she took my leftover pregnancy vitamins, and we made plans for her to borrow our cradle, and to swap strollers once her bub was born, so she could have the baby one, and I'd have one better for a toddler.

When she came round a couple weeks later, she mentioned that she hadn't been feeling sick yet. At all. Morning-noon-and-night sickness had hit early with her daughter, but so far, all she'd had was tiredness, and she was beginning to wonder. She wasn't worried yet, but she was wary.

Then, that weekend, the weekend before Christmas, the facebook posts started. "K is having an exceptionally ***** day." "K is planning on getting very sozzled this silly season." "Super strong pain killers+couch+tea+chocolate = my day." I didn't want to believe it, but when she rang me in tears there could be no doubt. The bleeding had started on saturday, and an ultrasound had confirmed there was no heartbeat.

We talked. We cried. We agreed that all those stupid things people say really don't make you feel any better, they only make you want to scream. "There must have been something seriously wrong with it." Well thankyou, now I have an image of a badly deformed baby in my head and I'm already upset. "At least it happened now. Think about how much worse it would be if you'd been further along." My baby died and I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I do NOT want to think about how much more it could hurt, and quite honestly I'm not sure I believe you at the moment anyway. "Well your baby is in a better place now." I DON'T CARE I WANT IT HERE WITH ME IN MY ARMS!!! And perhaps the worst, "Theres nothing you could have done." I KNOW that, but you just aren't helping.

For me, now, some two and a half years later, some of those idiotic things people say are a comfort. To know that if my baby had survived it might have been in constant pain, but now it is safe, and will never know pain or fear, that is a comfort. To know that it wasn't something I did, that I do not have to live with guilt that somehow I caused it, that is a comfort. To know that my baby is resting in the eternal circle of God's loving arms, safe and waiting for me, that is a comfort. But in the beginning, none of that helps. All you want is to cry, and scream. To be angry. To blame yourself. Odd as it sounds, believing that I could have stopped it helped sometimes. To come to terms with the fact that it was out of my hands was hard. And all I wanted anyone to say was "I'm so sorry. Can I do anything for you? I'm here if you need me."

For her, one thing seemed to help. "Well, I see you haven't given up copying me, but you're running a bit late you know."

We laughed until we couldn't breathe, and then everything was just a tiny bit better.

the baby, it is trying its hardest to make my life suck.

yesterday around lunch time, as i was sitting on the couch checking my email and bank account and all those fun things, i felt a sudden, horrible, sharp pain in my side-ish type area. it actually made me jump. im not sure if it made me yelp. the cat didnt move, but there was no-one else here to tell me if i made a noise. there were a few more stabs, then it stopped. i started to worry at this point. pain down near my pelvis doesnt bother me. if i move wrong, random stomach muscles hurt, and ive become pretty good at not doing that. although sometimes i forget, stretch, and lie in agony for a second or five. but this was entirely different. the ouchy-muscle-pain, while sudden and brief, is.. dull. this felt like someone was stabbing me with a sharpened knitting needle. on fire.

when i was sure the pain wasnt coming back, i went to the bathroom to make sure there was no blood, and then took my temperature. all fine. then i sat for a while praying that spaceghost would move so i knew it was ok, and the obliging little creature played football with my bladder for a while and tried in vain to break my ribs (haha!! youre not big enough to reach yet!!), so i stopped worrying. i was going to the hospital tomorrow (yesterday's tomorrow - today) anyway, and would ask them about it then.

then about 5:30 last night as i was lying on the bed talking to my sweetheart as he was getting changed after he got home from work, the burning knitting needle re-appeared. right about smack-bam in the gap between my ribs. a few times. hubby asked me if i was sure it wasnt contractions (dear man.. labour to me feels like period pain that wont stop till the baby pops out. this was most definitely NOT period pain), and did i need to go see a doctor RIGHT NOW. but again, it went away, and i was sure id be fine. after all, i was going to the hospital tomorrow, and if something was wrong, they'd sort it out. but i did decide that if it happened again i was going to a doctor regardless.

so i went in to the hospital today for my checkup with the midwives. my blood pressure was fine (thankyou God), fundal height is fine, baby's heartbeat sounded fine, baby was feel-able (spaceghost's limbs are on the right.. which explains why the little wriggler never kicks me on the left, and goes INSANE if i lie on my right side) but they were concerned about the pain, so after i got weighed and did the protein/urine test, they asked me to stay and see one of the hypertension doctors, instead of waiting for my hypertension clinic appointment in two weeks. i guess the doctors were concerned enough without seeing me, and there was protein (ugh) so i had to do blood tests (three vials), and put off the glucose till next time, and i had to make an appointment for day-stay "either tomorrow, or the next day", and have another ultrasound while i'm there.

tomorrow i have to get up far too early so i can be at the hospital by 8am. my husband is going to be late for work, because theres no WAY i can organise myself to get a bus there by that time, so he's going to drop me off, then drive all the way back to our suburb to drop off the kid at preschool, and then make his way to work. and i have to stay there for a few hours while they monitor my blood pressure and blah blah blah. done it all before with critterbug. i was in and out of that hospital just about every week being told my blood pressure was too high, oh wait now its normal, oops no its high again..

but i was hoping to avoid all this for at least another month. im only 26 weeks. im sure i was at least 30 when it started with my critter. and the fact that its starting earlier, and has the added burning knitting needle pains.. is worrying me. just a little.

this wriggly baby spaceghost is not cooked enough to come out, so nothing better be horribly wrong with me. and i cant be put on bedrest.. i have to be mobile to look after my critterbug.

please please please let this be a false alarm.

am i ever glad thats over.

well this morning i had the dreaded blood test. FUN. one vial, drink goo, wait an hour, another vial, wait another hour, 3rd vial, EAT. i was sooo hungry by the end of it. i had dinner at about 7 last night, and between then and the beginning of the test around 8:30, i had 1 glass of water. and then i didnt get to eat till around 11ish after getting to the shops from the pathology lab.

and THEN, the kid had to have his 4 year immunisations. one in each arm. oh the screaming. and the crying. and the big brave boy. but he got jelly beans. so he wasnt too bad. and then we went to the chemist so i could get myself some bandaids that will hopefully stick for longer than 10minutes (i have bandaid repellent skin. bandaid brand usually works, everything else falls off really quick), so i got him some chocolate to cheer him up, and got myself some too.... now i have to keep an eye on him for fever and rashes and blah blah blah. he seems ok at the moment though.

and now im watching sinbad for the zillionth time.

i will be glad when today is over.

tomorrow we get to go to a car show.

that will be INFINITELY better than three bloodtests and two injections. and the zillionth viewing of sinbad.

all the pretty cars..... that we will never be able to afford.

but so preeeeeeeeeeeettyyyyyyyyyyyy...

when i woke up this morning...

my throat hurt so much i thought i might have to go to the doctor. it got better. and my voice was back! sort of...

now it's gone again. not fun. i want to be able to talk again.

also...

would whoever has taken my voice please return it? my son is having far too much fun trying to make me talk, and its hard to make him understand it's not a game - that mummy is talking like this because she "has a hurt voice", not because it sounds funny.

i dont recall making any deals with an octopus involving a voice in return for legs, so someone must have stolen it.

i miss being able to speak in more than a whisper

sad renovations

we've practically finished our room, just need to finish painting the door and window, and any little patches we find didnt get a second coat.

so now we're starting on the critters room. well.. soon-to-be-the-critter's-room. we've torn off as much wallpaper as we can without stripper, all my sister's stuff is out, its now just furniture, a few paper scraps, and his clothes.

a couple of the paintbrushes didnt like the paint, so we went to bunnings today to get new ones, and while we were there, we had a look at paint colours, trying to decide what we like, and what we want to do with his room. if he was older i'd let him help with the decision, but as it is, he just says 'YES!' to everything we ask him, so he's not much use. we picked out some colours, bought some little sample pots, and when critter and i have finished lunch, i'm going to go scrub some patches of the wall and paint them with the sample, make sure we actually like it.

its definitely important to do this - with our room we decided we didnt like one of the colours we had picked out, and got a different one that was just SO much better. colours look different in large patches on the wall than they do in a little square of paper, and the light in your house will almost certainly be different to the light in the paint shop, and it can make SUCH a huge different to the colours.


anyway... doing our room was fun. i am SO happy. it looks great, it looks new, we have new furniture, and its now OUR room. doing my son's room is going to be difficult.

in april i lost a baby. i wasnt even certain i was pregnant until i lost it, and because of that, i have no 'proof' that i was. i never had a chance to take a pregnancy test, and i never saw a doctor about it. but i was anywhere from 1 to 4 weeks late (my cycles are all kinds of crazy), and i NEVER have food related nausea, sore breasts and an increased need to use the loo.. except when i was pregnant. so no matter what anyone says about not being able to be sure there was a baby, i sure do KNOW there was a baby thankyou very much.

and now there isnt. and its making it hard to do my son's room. i cant help thinking that i should be doing this room for another baby, as well as my critter. that we should be at the point where we're getting new baby furniture (we had second hand stuff and its falling apart now), telling our son about the new baby, that we're fixing up this room so he and the baby have a nice place to sleep.... but i cant do that.

i can just be slightly comforted by the fact that my baby is in SUCH a better place now, and doesnt have to worry about renovations.

but i still wish i was doing this for my dear one as well.

spare knees?

anyone have any spare knees they'd like to give me? these ones arent very happy with me at the moment for some reason. i needed 2 applications of voltaren, a lot of stretching, and a scream into a pillow last night to get to a point where i was able to sleep, and its looking like heading that way again.




sometimes i wonder if my knees are wacky because of ballet, or if doing ballet simply made me aware of the problem sooner.







on an unrelated note, tonight i am FAT. the food at outback is simply too yummy. and i didnt even have room for dessert.

now i remember why i hate my birthday so much. people keep taking me out to dinner and i eat too much and ALL THE DIETING IS FOR NOUGHT. NOUGHT I TELL YOU!

but it tastes so good......

*sigh*

next week we return to our scheduled homecooked food. and hopefully lose any poundage that has attached itself to me this week.

some days im glad hubby has been blinded by love.



and now im babbling. bedtime. goodnight interweb. sweet dreams.

pain

i am having so much trouble right now, dealing with all the household stuff. i love my mother dearly, but i so wish my little family was our own, and not living with her still. everything is so expensive, i sometimes wonder if we will ever live jsut us. although if she does indeed take the job in adelaide, we will live here and pay rent, adn that will make things easier. but still, i worry about money, whether i ought to find a place for my critter in daycare and find myself a job, and i know hubby thinks it would be good for him, to spend time with other kids, to socialise. (personally i think we should just have more kids, and the kids can socialise with each other, but hubby doesnt know if he ever wants more, and the subject doesnt seem to be open for discussion at the moment. or in fact ever.) but i like being able to be at home. to cook, to wash, to raise my own son. who would cook if i was at work? when would the laundry get done, if it rains on the weekend, and im not home during the week when its dry? when would my husbands shirts get ironed, if im getting ready to leave in the morning at the same time he is? (i iron as needed, since everything gets re-wrinkled in the wardrobe, and ironing twice seems a waste of time.) and seeing as i have absolutely no qualifications, and even something like a receptionist seems to require a masters degree, what kind of job could i get that paid enough for it to all be worth it? to cover daycare fees, transport to and from work, buying ready to eat food, laundromat/drycleaner, and still ahve enough left over to contribute something to mortgage/rent/savings/whatever. i realise i am possibly being overdramatic here. but there is also the possibility this is entirely acurate. a few months ago i had a look for jobs. i am not certain there is anything out there at a decent wage that i would get. a job in a video store, although short hours and something i can easily do, is not a very big contribution, and the wage would very possibly be taken up entirely in daycare fees.

not just finacial problems either. i am getting over the heartwrenching pain, and i am not crying nearly as much, but it still hurts, and i still fear, and i miss my child. i know that it was small - i wasnt even sure it was there till it was gone - and broken, through no fault of my own, or my husband's, and there was nothing i could have done. but to feel that life stop.. and i know that it must not ahve been God's will, for us not to ahve another child now, but that doesnt make me miss my child any less. and i know that everything God does is for a reason, but that doesnt make me any less angry with him. and i know that it is ok to be angry, but that doesnt make me any less disapointed in myself. and i know that my dear one has bypassed all the terrible horrible things in this world, that it is now with God, protected and loved, and waiting till one day i am there too, that there will be no suffering, no pain, no heartache, for my dear unknown little one, but that doesnt make me want any less to hold my child in my arms, to watch it grow, to feel it grow. none of it stops the tears, or the pain.

dear God give me strength, i cannot get through this without you. i know you have a plan for each of us, but why must mine tear at me so? fill me with your peace, surround me with your love. i kneel before you in tatters, begging to be made whole again. i ask for myself, and for my family, who need me to be in good working order. to keep my house for my husband, to not neglect my son who is with me. to be support for my mother, and companion for my sister. i cannot do this alone. please lord, give me strength. strengthen my heart, to accept what has happened. to accept that i could not change this, that it is not up to me, and it is equally not my fault. strengthen me to do what i need to do, to live my life, to get on with my works, and give me the strength and courage to talk to my husband when i need to, to not try and deal on my own. to let him help me as he wants to help me, and not push him away. and please lord, let my body be ok. things are not back to normal. give me courage to see a doctor, so i can be sure of my health and my ability to do my work. in Christs name.

crying and praying alwyas make me feel better. but it is so hard. i so want another child. and knowing that my husband currently does not, and NOT knowing if he ever will... its so hard. i know he is worried for me. life was hard after the critter was born. i know my husband has my best interests at heart, that he only wants for me to be healthy, but i so want another child. and i miss this one so much. so so so so much. my dear one. would ahve been nearly half way there by now. time passes so strangely. ten weeks since my life went downhill. it feels like such a short time ago, and yet it also feels like years have passed. i need God's strength to get out of this funk, to get on with my life, to be there for my family. i know ive been no good these past few weeks, and i try so hard but i just cant do it... i will do it, and i will do it without medication. i will be a loving wife, a joyful mother, a happy housekeeper, with God's strength and peace i can do anything. but i give myself licence to cry. bottling up is not good.

i got through the toughest other time of my life, my son's birth, with God's and my husband's help, and i can get through this.

my gorgeous boy

this is the story of my son's entrance to the world. purely for my own rememberance. it was the toughest thing ive ever had to do.

*************probably full of waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much info. you ahve been warned**************

sometime during the last 2 months of pregnancy, my bloodpressure decided to play sillybuggers, and i was in daystay nearly everyweek, having the baby monitered, my bloodpressure monitored, and generally being a layabout.

no-one was sure when the baby was due, since i have highly iregular cycles and the ultrasoud showed different to the edd from lnp, which was in turn different to the fundal height. we knew the baby ought to be born sometim between mid september and mid october, but thats a fair while to be waiting in!when i eventually broke out in PUPPS, i guess the doctors decided close enough was good enough, and thats when the fun began.after slathering myself in calomine, vitamin E and aloe to try and calm the itching enough for me to make it to the hospital for a check up, my hubby and i decided to ask the doctors if it was possible i could be induced sometime soon. they had been going to do it last week, but changed their minds about my due date, and decided to wait one more week, just to make sure the baby was well and truly baked.

once we arrived, lo and behold, they changed their minds back to the orriginal due date, and being now 9 days overdue, decided induction was the way to go, much to my relief. we were bundled over to the maternity ward, and i lay in bed, trying to relax, and listened to the babies n the ther rooms, knowing that soon i would have my own screamin bundle, and eventually the itchy nightmare would be gone.

at around 6pm the midwife came by to insert the gel. i was already 3cm dilated! dont get too exited, she told me, itll take hours yet. ill be by at midnight to check on the baby, and we'll start you on a drip in the morning. oh, and this gel can give you cramp like pains, nothing to worry about. you just try and get some sleep.

so i did. since i was i a single room, hubby was with me on a foldout chair, i think he had more trouble sleeping than i did.

when the midwife came by at midnight to check on the baby, everything seemed to be going well. my bloodpressure was normal, the baby's heartbeat was fine, it was still punching my pelvis regularly, and still trying to kick my lungs out through my throat, so i knew everything was fine, but that pain that was mentioned before was definately starting to kick in. most uncomfortable.

when i was all unhooked i decided to go the the bathroom, and no sooner had i got to the sink from the loo, than i was suddenly standing in a puddle. "honey, i think my waters just broke" and off he runs to get the midwife again. these pains are getting stronger and stronger, but surely contractions sort of come and go? this is just a constant pain.. "dont worry its just the gel your feeling" but the gel tab came out when my waters broke...?

a heatpack on my back helped a little, but the pain just kept on getting worse. after what felt like 15 minutes, but i am advised is more like an hour, hubby went to get some panadien and another heatback. no sooner has he returned than "i think you need to go tell the midwife i FEEL LIKE I NEED TO PUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" poor hubby running back and forth..

the wheelchair ride to the dlivery rooms was uncomfortable. nothing i dd helped the pain. the panadien had never come, there was never, EVER any lessening of the pain or tightness, just one continuous pain, and i could not find a comfortable possition, either in the chair, or in bed once we got to the delivery. once there i did eventually get some panadien. two tablets. they allowed me to concentrate but didnt dull the pain at all.

time seemed to go very quickly from there on. i know i was put on a drip - antibiotics for i dont remember what.. strep b maybe? and i know i saw 3 or 4 people come in and out of the room, but other than the one midwife, i dont know who they were.

the urge to push became stronger and stronger, as did the pain, but i was still not feeling what id been led to assume contractions should feel like - pain getting worse and less worse - just constant pain building and building.

the midwife was holding my legs, ad telling me how well i was doing, and that was fine, but then she told me not to push. dont push? DONT PUSH? im sorry i cant help it! im not doing it on purpose! my body has taken over! HUSBAND SHUT UP! and please dont touch me other than holding my hand or i swear i will hit you. the last thing i wanted was for him to talk to me, but if he hadnt been there i would have been scared out of my pants. (he told me later that he was so nervous and so very badly wanted somehow to help, that he sat there holding my hand whispering something along the lines of "its ok. its ok. just breathe. breathe. breathe. its ok. push. breath. its ok. its ok" in the hopes that somehow it would help me. such a darling.)

eventually, i felt the baby crown.. and then recede again. heavens, how long was this going to take? i wasnt sure i could take much more. my husband was scared by the amount of screaming and groaning going on, and the midwives were making little snip snip motions to each other, oh no.. please dont let them cut me... and then there was enormous pain... and a squeak. a squeak? calm. "is that my baby?" "yes your doing fine, come on one more big push..." and suddenly there was a slimy thing on my stomach with the most beautiful eyes just staring at me, softly sqeaking. what is it? a quick flip up by the midwife, "a boy"

hello aiden.

its 4:02 am
4 hours from waters breaking to perfect baby. and i still dont know what a contraction is 'supposed' to feel like.

my husband tells me cutting the cord feels like cutting raw chicken. and holding a newborn is the second-most scary experience of his life.

the first was watching his wife lie on a hospital bed, the sheet bloadsoaked from hips down and dripping, bloody fotsteps all around the room, and more blood all over the midwives clothes. i lost 1.5L of blood. well.. thats how much they managed to catch and measure. i needed 2 bags of plastic blood, and 2 heated blankets just to stop my teeth chattering. i dont know what degree tears i had, but it went up inside and all the way around. i needed two shots of anasthetic just to be stitched up, and still felt 4 stitches clear as day because they were.. um.. too near a sensitive area for the anasthetic to do any good. that hurt. i counted at least 30 stitches, but i was a little out of it at the time. i didnt get to leave the delivery rom till about 10 in the morning, and i couldnt get out of bed for the rest of the day. aparantly i was so pale i looked dead.

but when i held my baby, and he stared at me with those enormous deep dark eyes.. i would do it all again in an instant.

i did a lot of praying that morning. it sounded like this: "pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease oooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww pleasepleasePLEASEpleasepleaseplease" but since both my son and i ended up fine, i am confident God heard me, and this soft cuddly baby is proof my prayers were answered.