its that time of year again

i need to make an appointment with my hairdresser. ive been putting it off. i cant just let my hair go raggedy for ever, but im dreading seeing her again. because its nearly christmas.

i havent been feeling so great the past few weeks. ive been snapping at people a lot, and ive been having trouble sleeping. i feel sad for no reason, and i just lack the motivation to DO anything. i was wondering if post natal depression had kicked in early, and then i realised. its nearly christmas.

christmas ahs always been a time of anticipation and excitement for me. the one time of year i WANT to get up a little earlier than usual, so the day lasts longer. seeing peoples faces as they unwrap the presents ive found for them. seeing their faces when THEY see how much i enjoy the presents theyve got for me. the beautiful heart-lifting christmas church service. TURKEY DINNER (i love turkey. id eat it all year). seeing family happy and joyful (for the most part) and the usually less antagonism than other get-togethers. and recently, my son, my little critterbug, so caught up in the excitement of things he doesnt quite understand yet, and the amazing crash and burn afterwards.

until last year. last year was a struggle. i dont remember much of christmas day. a few snippets of getting presents, and i think i managed to spill gravy on my clean white skirt.. the rest is a blur. there was something missing last year, and its still missing now. the addition of my giant belly is helping fill the void, but there will be a gap in my christmas for ever, i think. smaller each year perhaps, but there none the less.

last april i lost a baby. it would have been due around christmas day. last year, the baby was all i could think about. even when we painted critterbug's room that september, the excitement so evident in him (his own blue room! that he painted! and a BED!! with PIRATES ON THE SHEETS!!!!!!!!) wasnt enough to drown out the little voice in my head reminding me that there should have been a space left in the room for a cot, and a new set of drawers slowly being filled with baby clothes, waiting for december and the new baby.

and to top it all off, my hairdresser's first child was born last december. within a week or so of when i suspect i was due. every time i saw her, glowing and smiling and expanding, my heart broke a little. i was so happy for her, and so sad for me. and i was so angry at God. she hadnt wanted the baby, didnt think she was ready yet. she was taking precautions. she had even taken the morning after pill, and the baby had still stuck. why hadnt mine? what had gone wrong? why did she get to have a baby, and i only got to loose one?

im not so angry anymore, although it still hurts. if i had had that baby, i wouldnt be having this one. i would still be feeding the baby, and my baby-making-abilities last time didnt kick back in until the kid was about 15 months old (that surprised the doctor) - three months after he stopped feeding. theres also my husband. the chances of him agreeing to a third are very very slim. (not that he really agreed to this one. we have a habit of accidental conception.)

but seeing my hairdresser still hurts. seeing photos of her son, how big he is, how much hes growing. all the things i didnt get to see with mine. and seeing her now is going to be very difficult. her son turns one soon. mine would be having a birthday soon too. there should be extra presents under the tree in the other room. there should be extra time management needed to actually get my hair done.

its not as hard as last year. and next year will be easier again. spaceghost will be taking up most of my attention, i'm sure. and the year after that, there will be something else to fill a little of the gap.

but christmas will always be a little empty. now i really need those christmas day services i love so much.