No Brains For Me, Thanks.

I'm still feeling very blah. Spaceghost has been waking up A LOT during the night, no matter whether I: feed her 'real' food at dinner time (or breakfast time, or any other time) or not; feed her when she wakes up or just give her back her dummy; change her nappy during the night or just leave her til morning; keep her in bed with me or put her back in her own bed between feeds.

As a result, I've been getting even further below my needed sleep levels than usual, and I'm feeling like a bit of a zombie. I shuffle. I find it very difficult to speak, and would much prefer to just moan hideously. I am by no means looking my best (although I did finally manage to get some new razors at the shops - why have they been out for so long? - and my legs look a lot better now), but thankfully husband loves me anyway.

The only decidedly non-zombieness is that I most certainly have no interest in brains. Mine may be lacking, but I have no desire to eat anyone elses. Or any part of anyone else for that matter. I might murder you if you get between me and my chocolate, but I definitely will not eat you.

Its all a bit surreal..

Spaceghost will be 5 months old tomorrow. She is growing like crazy, has started solid food despite all my intentions to hold off til 6 months, because I simply couldn't keep on feeding her 11 times a day (and she has taken to it like a duck to water, I think the poor little thing was hungry) and is generally happy.

So far, depression hasn't dragged me under, which is fantastic. I look back on the first few months of Critter's life, and theres a lot I don't remember. I mention to my husband things that Spaceghost is doing, and he says yes, Critter did the same thing. And I don't remember it at all. It makes me sad to have missed those things, and I'm so grateful that I get to experience them this time.

Despite things going so well though, I still feel a little.. off. Nothing quite feels real - its almost as if I'm in a dream. I love my baby girl to pieces, and I would do anything for her, but there are moments when I dont feel like she's mine. Its like I'm looking after her for someone else and I won't get to keep her. I don't love her any less, I just don't feel like she belongs with me.

I dont know if its because she was born via c-section (I had panic attacks for weeks after she was born because of the situation surrounding her birth), or because I didnt get to hold her for a few hours afterwards - they had to take her away to do tests because she had been in distress and they wanted to make sure there was ntohing wrong with her. Maybe it was because I was on such powerful painkillers after being cut open that I spent the first few days in a bit of a fog.

Or maybe this is depression hitting me in a way I haven't experienced before. I feel happy, so I doubt it, but my brain chemistry is a little crazy, so it could be, I suppose.

I'm not sure if I've healed completely from the surgery, either. I have a couple of friends who've had c-sections, and I need to ask them about it, but after a long day of walking or excercise, my scar aches. I've never had anything like this before, never even broken a bone, so I don't know if this is normal. I suspect it is, because it is such a large cut, and especially since I don't heal well to begin with.

I'm just not sure where things are going at the moment, and I'm not sure how to feel.

It grows up

My baby Spaceghost has been acting odd recently. She's gone from feeding 7-8 times a day and sleeping for at least 6 hours in a row at night with at least one 2hour sleep during the day, to feeding 10-11 times a day with her longest night sleep being 3 hours and only sleeping in 40minute bursts during the day. Its driving me crazy, and I'm beginning to get frazzled.

I had ever intention of keeping her exclusively breastfed until she was at least 6 months old. We have a history of allergies in this house, and I wanted to wait as long as possible before having to deal with the crazy. I also think its better for them to hold off solids as long as possible - their little tummies aren't necessarily ready for 'real' food for a while.

Spaceghost will be 5 months old next Tuesday. Today I broke down and asked hubby to pick up some rice cereal on his way home from work. I mixed 2 teaspoons with about 4-5 teaspoons of breastmilk, and she ate almost all of it, throwing her head towards the spoon in anticipation and grabbing it to hold it in her mouth so she could get all the cereal off.

I think she was ready. If she sleeps for more than 3 hours tonight, I'll know she was.