Its all a bit surreal..

Spaceghost will be 5 months old tomorrow. She is growing like crazy, has started solid food despite all my intentions to hold off til 6 months, because I simply couldn't keep on feeding her 11 times a day (and she has taken to it like a duck to water, I think the poor little thing was hungry) and is generally happy.

So far, depression hasn't dragged me under, which is fantastic. I look back on the first few months of Critter's life, and theres a lot I don't remember. I mention to my husband things that Spaceghost is doing, and he says yes, Critter did the same thing. And I don't remember it at all. It makes me sad to have missed those things, and I'm so grateful that I get to experience them this time.

Despite things going so well though, I still feel a little.. off. Nothing quite feels real - its almost as if I'm in a dream. I love my baby girl to pieces, and I would do anything for her, but there are moments when I dont feel like she's mine. Its like I'm looking after her for someone else and I won't get to keep her. I don't love her any less, I just don't feel like she belongs with me.

I dont know if its because she was born via c-section (I had panic attacks for weeks after she was born because of the situation surrounding her birth), or because I didnt get to hold her for a few hours afterwards - they had to take her away to do tests because she had been in distress and they wanted to make sure there was ntohing wrong with her. Maybe it was because I was on such powerful painkillers after being cut open that I spent the first few days in a bit of a fog.

Or maybe this is depression hitting me in a way I haven't experienced before. I feel happy, so I doubt it, but my brain chemistry is a little crazy, so it could be, I suppose.

I'm not sure if I've healed completely from the surgery, either. I have a couple of friends who've had c-sections, and I need to ask them about it, but after a long day of walking or excercise, my scar aches. I've never had anything like this before, never even broken a bone, so I don't know if this is normal. I suspect it is, because it is such a large cut, and especially since I don't heal well to begin with.

I'm just not sure where things are going at the moment, and I'm not sure how to feel.