figured out the chocolate

yup. guess it was comfort after all, without me even realising.


on saturday i went and got my hair done. got me feeling a bit better generally, since i looked a bit nice, but ive been feeling sad since. and today i figured it out.

my hairdresser is pregnant. her baby is due mid-december. mine would have been due around the same time as hers, give or take a couple weeks, since im not really sure how far along i was.

im so excited and happy for her, but at the same time, i cant help feeling like its not fair.

please dont tell me im mean or anything. i am fully aware that God has decided they are to have a baby at this time, and i was not. but that doesnt make me miss my dear one any less, or stop having irrational feelings about life not being fair. i lost a child. i am still grieving, every day. i wanted that baby. i still want a baby. or several. but God (and my husband) has not seen fit to allow me one at this time. and i still cant help feeling that life is not fair, much as i want to stop.

she wasnt quite ready to have a baby. she'd been thinking about it, and was planning on getting herself all checked out in the next few months to make sure her body was in good condition to have a baby, quit smoking and all that, before she and her husband decided to start trying. she messed up on whatever birth control she was using ONCE, and took the morning after pill. she was still smoking, drinking on a regular basis, eating all the wrong foods. then a couple months later, her doctor said she was pregnant. and she's going to have the baby in december, all things going to plan.

i was not on birth control, i decide to give it a rest while i discussed with my husband whether he was ready for me to have another baby. (birth control is not my choice. i really would rather not. my husband does not want more children any time soon, and much as i do, and think we should trust in God, i have to honour him.) we were still being 'careful', but apparently not careful enough. but then, just days before i was going to ask him to get a pregnancy test, i lost it. i do not smoke. (ive never even tried it.) i drink alcohol maybe 3 times a month, and know i had only ONE drink during my brief pregnancy. i know i didnt do anything to lose the baby, i know it just wasnt meant to be.

God's will can be so hard to fathom sometimes, so hard to understand, so hard to trust. i did nothing wrong, and the baby is still gone. she did everything wrong, and her baby is fine.

it just isnt fair.

and it can be so hard to put my trust in Him. to trust that for whatever reason, in whatever way, this is best. that something that hurts so very very much, can be God's perfect will.

and i try. i try so hard. and i think im getting better. but it still hurts so very, very much.

and the chocolate isnt helping as much as i want it to.