4:30(ish) kid is yelling/grunting. because his bed is messy. go back to sleep please.
6:45 woken up by hubby, iron shirt please. my eyes dont want to stay open. nose is bad, throat is sore.
7:00 back to bed, online - bus schedule, check email, 'recipes' to help with deodorant/perspiration stains?
7:30 kid wakes up. weetbix for breakfast. none for me. hubby's shirts into bucket w/vinegar-water. SOAK. water to boil for chamomile tea (hair), bicarb (hair), lemon juice (hair. i found a juicerthingy! thone plastic ones with the point and the grate... so much easier than trying to pick out all the pips as i go!)
8:00 shower, wash hair. lemon definately helps. not so dry, not so flat. def. do this again. nose worse
8:30 munchkin clothes? note to self - these drawers need re-organising. badly. where on earth is his bag? 2 biscuits, 1 box sultanas, juice box, water bottle, jumper. nappies, wipes, plastic bag. where are my keys? got my purse.. tissues! pen?
9:00 out the door, bus stop. forgotten tissues. oops
9:45 mortlake. bible study.
11:45 bus stop. -> burwood. *coat? *lunch *shoes? *kid clothes - pants?
1:40 bus stop -> home
2:05 doctor. wait. and wait. and wait. and wait. iron, cholesterol, sugar all good. not pregnant. back in 4 weeks if still no sign period.
3:15 home. more tax packs have arrived. message on machine, leah. ruth -> saturday night?
3:30 online. google - polycystic ovarian syndrome. hmm. would explain a lot.
4:00 dad calls. SATURDAY: be there 11am. lollies provided. no dress code, mini skrts & uber cleavage frowned upon. jeans are fine.
4:20 kid is going crazy. NAP TIME. dont care thats its too late. he needs it.
4:30 silence. at last. eyes feel puffy
4:45 hubby calls. on his way home.
5:15 kid up
dinner: chicken. butter chicken?
read money magazine.
allergy meds?
Saturday 30 June 2007
Friday 29 June 2007
pain
i am having so much trouble right now, dealing with all the household stuff. i love my mother dearly, but i so wish my little family was our own, and not living with her still. everything is so expensive, i sometimes wonder if we will ever live jsut us. although if she does indeed take the job in adelaide, we will live here and pay rent, adn that will make things easier. but still, i worry about money, whether i ought to find a place for my critter in daycare and find myself a job, and i know hubby thinks it would be good for him, to spend time with other kids, to socialise. (personally i think we should just have more kids, and the kids can socialise with each other, but hubby doesnt know if he ever wants more, and the subject doesnt seem to be open for discussion at the moment. or in fact ever.) but i like being able to be at home. to cook, to wash, to raise my own son. who would cook if i was at work? when would the laundry get done, if it rains on the weekend, and im not home during the week when its dry? when would my husbands shirts get ironed, if im getting ready to leave in the morning at the same time he is? (i iron as needed, since everything gets re-wrinkled in the wardrobe, and ironing twice seems a waste of time.) and seeing as i have absolutely no qualifications, and even something like a receptionist seems to require a masters degree, what kind of job could i get that paid enough for it to all be worth it? to cover daycare fees, transport to and from work, buying ready to eat food, laundromat/drycleaner, and still ahve enough left over to contribute something to mortgage/rent/savings/whatever. i realise i am possibly being overdramatic here. but there is also the possibility this is entirely acurate. a few months ago i had a look for jobs. i am not certain there is anything out there at a decent wage that i would get. a job in a video store, although short hours and something i can easily do, is not a very big contribution, and the wage would very possibly be taken up entirely in daycare fees.
not just finacial problems either. i am getting over the heartwrenching pain, and i am not crying nearly as much, but it still hurts, and i still fear, and i miss my child. i know that it was small - i wasnt even sure it was there till it was gone - and broken, through no fault of my own, or my husband's, and there was nothing i could have done. but to feel that life stop.. and i know that it must not ahve been God's will, for us not to ahve another child now, but that doesnt make me miss my child any less. and i know that everything God does is for a reason, but that doesnt make me any less angry with him. and i know that it is ok to be angry, but that doesnt make me any less disapointed in myself. and i know that my dear one has bypassed all the terrible horrible things in this world, that it is now with God, protected and loved, and waiting till one day i am there too, that there will be no suffering, no pain, no heartache, for my dear unknown little one, but that doesnt make me want any less to hold my child in my arms, to watch it grow, to feel it grow. none of it stops the tears, or the pain.
dear God give me strength, i cannot get through this without you. i know you have a plan for each of us, but why must mine tear at me so? fill me with your peace, surround me with your love. i kneel before you in tatters, begging to be made whole again. i ask for myself, and for my family, who need me to be in good working order. to keep my house for my husband, to not neglect my son who is with me. to be support for my mother, and companion for my sister. i cannot do this alone. please lord, give me strength. strengthen my heart, to accept what has happened. to accept that i could not change this, that it is not up to me, and it is equally not my fault. strengthen me to do what i need to do, to live my life, to get on with my works, and give me the strength and courage to talk to my husband when i need to, to not try and deal on my own. to let him help me as he wants to help me, and not push him away. and please lord, let my body be ok. things are not back to normal. give me courage to see a doctor, so i can be sure of my health and my ability to do my work. in Christs name.
crying and praying alwyas make me feel better. but it is so hard. i so want another child. and knowing that my husband currently does not, and NOT knowing if he ever will... its so hard. i know he is worried for me. life was hard after the critter was born. i know my husband has my best interests at heart, that he only wants for me to be healthy, but i so want another child. and i miss this one so much. so so so so much. my dear one. would ahve been nearly half way there by now. time passes so strangely. ten weeks since my life went downhill. it feels like such a short time ago, and yet it also feels like years have passed. i need God's strength to get out of this funk, to get on with my life, to be there for my family. i know ive been no good these past few weeks, and i try so hard but i just cant do it... i will do it, and i will do it without medication. i will be a loving wife, a joyful mother, a happy housekeeper, with God's strength and peace i can do anything. but i give myself licence to cry. bottling up is not good.
i got through the toughest other time of my life, my son's birth, with God's and my husband's help, and i can get through this.
not just finacial problems either. i am getting over the heartwrenching pain, and i am not crying nearly as much, but it still hurts, and i still fear, and i miss my child. i know that it was small - i wasnt even sure it was there till it was gone - and broken, through no fault of my own, or my husband's, and there was nothing i could have done. but to feel that life stop.. and i know that it must not ahve been God's will, for us not to ahve another child now, but that doesnt make me miss my child any less. and i know that everything God does is for a reason, but that doesnt make me any less angry with him. and i know that it is ok to be angry, but that doesnt make me any less disapointed in myself. and i know that my dear one has bypassed all the terrible horrible things in this world, that it is now with God, protected and loved, and waiting till one day i am there too, that there will be no suffering, no pain, no heartache, for my dear unknown little one, but that doesnt make me want any less to hold my child in my arms, to watch it grow, to feel it grow. none of it stops the tears, or the pain.
dear God give me strength, i cannot get through this without you. i know you have a plan for each of us, but why must mine tear at me so? fill me with your peace, surround me with your love. i kneel before you in tatters, begging to be made whole again. i ask for myself, and for my family, who need me to be in good working order. to keep my house for my husband, to not neglect my son who is with me. to be support for my mother, and companion for my sister. i cannot do this alone. please lord, give me strength. strengthen my heart, to accept what has happened. to accept that i could not change this, that it is not up to me, and it is equally not my fault. strengthen me to do what i need to do, to live my life, to get on with my works, and give me the strength and courage to talk to my husband when i need to, to not try and deal on my own. to let him help me as he wants to help me, and not push him away. and please lord, let my body be ok. things are not back to normal. give me courage to see a doctor, so i can be sure of my health and my ability to do my work. in Christs name.
crying and praying alwyas make me feel better. but it is so hard. i so want another child. and knowing that my husband currently does not, and NOT knowing if he ever will... its so hard. i know he is worried for me. life was hard after the critter was born. i know my husband has my best interests at heart, that he only wants for me to be healthy, but i so want another child. and i miss this one so much. so so so so much. my dear one. would ahve been nearly half way there by now. time passes so strangely. ten weeks since my life went downhill. it feels like such a short time ago, and yet it also feels like years have passed. i need God's strength to get out of this funk, to get on with my life, to be there for my family. i know ive been no good these past few weeks, and i try so hard but i just cant do it... i will do it, and i will do it without medication. i will be a loving wife, a joyful mother, a happy housekeeper, with God's strength and peace i can do anything. but i give myself licence to cry. bottling up is not good.
i got through the toughest other time of my life, my son's birth, with God's and my husband's help, and i can get through this.
long and rambling...
i've been reading over some of my old posts and decided i dont want to keep this one up. bu-bye.
Wednesday 20 June 2007
three great years
three years ago today, i was in las vegas. it was super hot, we'd had a very long car ride from lancaster (california) the day before, and jon had stayed out till 5 in the morning with his mates, while i curled up in the bed and slept, not too well if i recall. despite the heat outside, it was chilly in the room that night, and its always hard to sleep when he isnt around. added to that, the baby was making me uncomfortable. trying to use my lungs as a punching bag. did i mention i was 6 months pregnant?
crystal came to the room in the morning, along with my mum and my aunt lally, and she prettified me. curled my hair and put little ribbon roses in it, smothered me in makeup, and kicked jon out of the room. everyone took pictures during the prettification. thankfully, my dress still fit, since the critter had taken up residence in my ribcage, instead of where babies are supposed to sit, and my feet hadnt swollen yet, so my shoes fit too.
jon came to the door to tell us everyone was there, and then went downstairs. after a few minutes of trying to calm down, crystal followed, then my mum and i went down together. we walked through the lobby to the conference room, much to my embarrassment as i could hear people talking about my dress, and there was jon. and he was all i saw.
my heart, my world, my love, my jon.
on june 19th 2004, i got married to the best man in the world, who nearly cried when he saw me that day, and who has yet to convince me that i could have done better.
i love you sweetheart.
crystal came to the room in the morning, along with my mum and my aunt lally, and she prettified me. curled my hair and put little ribbon roses in it, smothered me in makeup, and kicked jon out of the room. everyone took pictures during the prettification. thankfully, my dress still fit, since the critter had taken up residence in my ribcage, instead of where babies are supposed to sit, and my feet hadnt swollen yet, so my shoes fit too.
jon came to the door to tell us everyone was there, and then went downstairs. after a few minutes of trying to calm down, crystal followed, then my mum and i went down together. we walked through the lobby to the conference room, much to my embarrassment as i could hear people talking about my dress, and there was jon. and he was all i saw.
my heart, my world, my love, my jon.
on june 19th 2004, i got married to the best man in the world, who nearly cried when he saw me that day, and who has yet to convince me that i could have done better.
i love you sweetheart.
Monday 11 June 2007
WEDDING
my dad is getting married. in about 3 weeks. i need to find clothes:-
-below the knee
-past the elbow
-no cleavage
-not tight
-not pants
and formy own comfort and sanity, not a potato sack. i think i have a top that will do, if i wear a singlet under it.... now to find a longish, not too frumpy skirt....
i really need to get some more 'nice' clothes. i dont ahve anything dressy :(
-below the knee
-past the elbow
-no cleavage
-not tight
-not pants
and formy own comfort and sanity, not a potato sack. i think i have a top that will do, if i wear a singlet under it.... now to find a longish, not too frumpy skirt....
i really need to get some more 'nice' clothes. i dont ahve anything dressy :(
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