Not the Answer I wanted, but an Answer nonetheless

I have two absolutely beautiful children. Gosling is 18months old, and Critter will be 6 next month.


Gosling is slowly learning new words, with all people having become 'daddy' (Tall person with hair on his face who throws me in the air? Daddy. Other tall person with long hair who stays at home and feeds me? Daddy. Random people I meet at the shops/on the street/at the brother's school? Daddy), and all objects having become 'dut' (especially if they are yellow, say "quack" and like water), except trucks, which are brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm. She has a doll cradle, and is constantly putting her babies (dolls, bunnies, teddies, trucks, books, blankets, cooking implements) in, rocking them vigorously, and taking them out again. Lather, rinse, repeat. And repeat. And repeat, repeat, repeat. She tries to be gentle with the cat, and loves to do my hair. She's also become very interested in birds, and is constantly pointing them out to me whenever we are outside. She is my shadow, and wants to be wherever I am, and do whatever I am doing. From cleaning the windows, to wiping up spills, to sitting on the couch listening to music. Now if only her hair would thicken up so I can do cute things with it...


The Critter, my big boy, is a very smart little thing. He is reading at a level far above every other child in his class - well enough to have been pushed into the 2nd highest reading group in the 1st grade class. He is in kindergarten. He can read words like laughter, lamington, crocodile, and amused. I change the channel when the news is on because he reads the headlines and asks me what murder means and why did that man do it to his three children? He is interested in everything, and I find myself answering a never-ending string of questions on everything from how a jet works, to why there are so many different types of flowers. He is amazing with lego, and has been doing the 7-12 age group stuff since before his 5th birthday. He plays Auskick - kids version of AFL (aussie football) - and has kicked some very good goals. He loves to dance. And sing. And run, and jump, and do flips and play on the trampoline and play with the hula hoop andplaywithtrucksandreadandwatchtvand.. you get the picture. He loves life. He loves everything. He loves vegetables. We bribe him with broccoli to get him to finish his meat ('If you eat three more pieces of your steak, you can have daddy's vegetables.'). We fight a constant battle against eczema, and have a variety of asthma and allergy medications in the cupboard. Every time he encounters a new food, he asks if it has eggs in it. Or chicken. Or nuts.

He is the sweetest, most beautiful boy I have ever known. He hugs me when I am sad, pats my head and wraps his scrawny arms around my neck, and tells me that its OK and he loves me. He picks me flowers and draws me pictures. He wanted to marry his sister because 'she is so beautiful'. He wants to play with her all the time, and is always telling his friends about all the amazing things she can do - like walking, and eating her own food, and talking.

But ever since he could walk, the Critter has been running. Everywhere he goes, he runs, skips, or jumps. He climbs trees (I had to wash his hair before it was due the other day because he was covered in ants from climbing trees), rolls down hills, and jumps off steps constantly. The more he runs, the more energy he seems to have. The trampoline is in almost constant use when he is at home, and some days, it is the only thing that keeps me sane. He can not sit still, constantly jumping into and out of his chair, whether he is eating, playing lego, watching tv, or doing his homework. Every time he sees something, he gets distracted by it. It takes him 25 minutes to put on a t-shirt and trousers in the morning, over half an hour to brush his teeth, and he takes nearly an hour to eat a sandwich.

I do not remember the last time he actually ate all his lunch at school. Usually, at least half a sandwich gets eaten when he gets home, because he didn't eat it all before the bell went at lunch time to go outside and play.

He sits at his own desk at school, because he gets distracted too easily if there is another child sitting near him. He tells them how to do their work, wants to play, and does not keep his hands to himself.

There is a square taped on the carpet where he is allowed to sit, and none of the other children are allowed inside his square.

He has been kept in at lunch for playing instead of doing his work, telling the teacher what to do, and not keeping his hands to himself.

Again, he is in KINDERGARTEN.

Even when he's kept in, he still doesn't manage to eat all his food.

He has lost his jacket at school more times than I can count. He's on his third one now, the other two having vanished, and he's left it behind at least twice already.

He loses things at home too. I don't know where half his lego is.

He seems to find it impossible to actually look at people when they're talking to him. In the time it takes to tell him to go brush his teeth and get his PJs on, he will have changed his line of sight at least 3 times, probably swung at least one arm around like a windmill, and moved about a foot to the left - after being told to stand still with his hands behind his back, and Look. At. My. Eyes when I'm talking to you please.

When he was younger I assumed all children had boundless energy and didn't know how to stay still for more than a heartbeat. His teacher thought it was boredom and has been giving him harder and harder work, because he is a bright boy, and he does need more advanced work than a lot of the others in his class.

In my bible study last week, when we were each asked for things we'd like to pray for, Critterbug was mine. That we would find some way to help him, something we could put in place that would stop him being disruptive in class, help him find a way to concentrate, and bring a calm to our lives that we've never known.

Yesterday, I got my Answer. His teacher says a his behaviours are very similar to other children with ADHD. Giving him harder work to alleviate boredom has not worked, it simply makes him frustrated at the harder work. He recognises that he can not function at a table with other children and needs to be on his own, but it upsets him that he has to be separated, and he still has concentration issues. Lots of concentration issues. It is practically impossible for him to stay still. Ever.

Looking at a typical day in Critter-world, at the things he does and the things he can not do, and having looked at lists of symptoms of ADHD, I'm coming to agree with the teacher. While he doesn't do anything to the extent of the "troubled ADHD kids" you see on the TV* - hitting, screaming, climbing onto roofs, running non-stop, throwing things around - he does do a lot. He gets distracted constantly, can't stay still, flits from one thing to another, loses things a lot, fidgets, runs and climbs all the time, has NO volume control (actually, he has three volumes - shout, shouted-whisper, and so-quiet-he-can't-even-hear-himself), talks/sings/hums ALL. THE. TIME. (the only time my house is silent is when he is asleep or at school. even when he's eating, he's talking), doesn't seem to hear what people tell him, and interrupts a lot.

He's a good boy. He's sweet. He's bright. And he tries.

This was not the Answer I wanted for my boy**. This is not the Answer I wanted for our family. But it is an Answer with an answer***, with things we can do, if doctors agree with his teacher's suspicions.

And it's looking like the only Answer I'm getting.



*He actually does have a cousin like this, though I've only seen him post-medication, where he looked like any other 5yr old. Hubby tells me that before his nephew was medicated, things were pure insanity.

**After looking at everything I possibly could to prove to myself that there's no way Critter has ADHD and the teacher must be wrong (yeah. that failed), it actually looks like this is a possible answer to me as well. It would explain a LOT of my childhood behaviours, and a lot of the problems I have now, in regards concentration, distractedness, and forgetfulness. For example, I don't think I ever once did my homework on time - not because of laziness, but because I could never remember that I even had any, and the only way I can come even CLOSE to keeping the house in order now is to have a list of 3 to 4 things to do each day, taped to the fridge so I'll get distracted by them every time I walk past it. It works a little bit.

***The more times I write "answer" the more the word looks wrong. Do you ever find that?

Gallows Humour

At the very beginning of December, I found out a good friend was pregnant. She comes over most weeks, we lets the kids run riot and enjoy what is sometimes the only adult conversation we have all week, other than our husbands. (And seriously, do boys necessarily count as adult conversation? I'm not sure the merits of one wrestler over another, and just exactly why golf is so wonderful really count.) That week, she had been feeling 'odd', and while she wasn't *ahem* late, she decided it would be worth a test anyway, so she bought one on her way over.

Due to not being late, the line took a looooooooong time to come up, and was very faint. So she used the one I had left over from last July with Gosling, just to be sure. We looked at those tests, and while those lines took a while, both of them were definitely there. By August, we would have 4 kids between us.

We've joked in the last couple of years that she's been stalking and copying me, trying to imitate my life. Her little girl is almost exactly 18months younger than Critter, and people often think they're siblings when we're out. (Her husband is half-greek and mine's mostly-half-italian, so the kids have ended up with olive skin, but somehow they've also both ended up with blondish hair and super-dark eyes. Gosling is the only one who's blue. I'm sure people think all three are mine, since she is a tiny blue eyed brunnette.) The new one was going to be 18months younger than Gosling - the same 4.5yr age gap as mine have. We laughed and joked, she took my leftover pregnancy vitamins, and we made plans for her to borrow our cradle, and to swap strollers once her bub was born, so she could have the baby one, and I'd have one better for a toddler.

When she came round a couple weeks later, she mentioned that she hadn't been feeling sick yet. At all. Morning-noon-and-night sickness had hit early with her daughter, but so far, all she'd had was tiredness, and she was beginning to wonder. She wasn't worried yet, but she was wary.

Then, that weekend, the weekend before Christmas, the facebook posts started. "K is having an exceptionally ***** day." "K is planning on getting very sozzled this silly season." "Super strong pain killers+couch+tea+chocolate = my day." I didn't want to believe it, but when she rang me in tears there could be no doubt. The bleeding had started on saturday, and an ultrasound had confirmed there was no heartbeat.

We talked. We cried. We agreed that all those stupid things people say really don't make you feel any better, they only make you want to scream. "There must have been something seriously wrong with it." Well thankyou, now I have an image of a badly deformed baby in my head and I'm already upset. "At least it happened now. Think about how much worse it would be if you'd been further along." My baby died and I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I do NOT want to think about how much more it could hurt, and quite honestly I'm not sure I believe you at the moment anyway. "Well your baby is in a better place now." I DON'T CARE I WANT IT HERE WITH ME IN MY ARMS!!! And perhaps the worst, "Theres nothing you could have done." I KNOW that, but you just aren't helping.

For me, now, some two and a half years later, some of those idiotic things people say are a comfort. To know that if my baby had survived it might have been in constant pain, but now it is safe, and will never know pain or fear, that is a comfort. To know that it wasn't something I did, that I do not have to live with guilt that somehow I caused it, that is a comfort. To know that my baby is resting in the eternal circle of God's loving arms, safe and waiting for me, that is a comfort. But in the beginning, none of that helps. All you want is to cry, and scream. To be angry. To blame yourself. Odd as it sounds, believing that I could have stopped it helped sometimes. To come to terms with the fact that it was out of my hands was hard. And all I wanted anyone to say was "I'm so sorry. Can I do anything for you? I'm here if you need me."

For her, one thing seemed to help. "Well, I see you haven't given up copying me, but you're running a bit late you know."

We laughed until we couldn't breathe, and then everything was just a tiny bit better.

Family: do we have to keep them?

Today, my lovely sister accused me of loving Gosling more than Critterbug. Her reasoning? I buy her lots of clothes, and I make her food from scratch instead of buying it all in jars. Uh.... right.

Clothes: Critterbug is 5 (in 2 weeks!! EEK!!!) and has too many clothes already. He has so many shirts I've run out of hangers for his wardrobe. He also has some sitting in the storage room waiting for present-times, to replace ones in his wardrobe that are a mite too small. The thing is, at 5 years old he grows slower than a baby, and therefor doesn't need new clothes as often as a baby does. Gosling however grows like a weed. I have bought her a lot of clothes, but she's already grown out of 3 or 4 sizes since she was born, and a lot of what I've bought is in larger sizes - I bought it cheap so I don't have to pay full price when I need it, and its sitting in her dresser waiting till she grows again. Theres also the fact that some babies tend to need a lot of clothes because they have explosive nappies, or they throw up a lot. She does both.

Food: It is significantly cheaper to make food for Gosling than it is to buy it. What would cost me $11 on sale in jars can be made for about $2, a couple hours in the oven, and 5 minutes with a blender and icecube trays. I wish I had realised this when Critter was tiny, and had had the confidence in myself to actually do it. Because while my mother loved to tell us how she never bought jarred food for us kids, and always ground up our food at every meal, she never once offered to help me or show me how to do it, and as depressed as I was, I didn't think I could do it anyway. I mashed sweet potato for him a couple of times, but that was about it.

My sister says a lot of things that bother me, and usually I can ignore them, but this one has really got to me. Probably because I'm so scared that people might think its true. I don't love Gosling any more than I love my Critter, and I don't give her any more attention that I give him (i neglect them both equally. (JOKE! that was a joke people!!)), excepting that she's a tiny baby and unable to do things for herself like toileting and feeding, but I do treat her differently than I treated him when he was her age, because of the depression.

After Critterbug was born, I was so depressed I could hardly function. I contemplated suicide more than a few times, firmly believing that no-one would miss me, and that my husband and newborn son would be better off without me anyway. There were days when I would just sit, staring at the baby as he screamed and screamed, not caring. He was fed, he was clean, I had taken care of the basics, and he didn't want me to hold him, so I just stared, and thought "yeah.. so?" There are times now when I don't know what to do with Gosling. When she's been fed and changed, needs a sleep, doesn't want to be held, but screams when I put her down, and I end up just walking away, but I care. I keep an ear out to make sure she doesn't get too distressed, and I rack my brains trying to think if I've not thought of something. I don't hover over her when I know I cant do anything about it, but it makes my soul hurt listening to her cry. I don't just sit and stare at her, vaguely wondering why she's crying, but not caring enough to try and fix it.

I am constantly amazed at how relatively easy things have been this time round, and am incredibly thankful. She nurses easily, she eats with no problems and doesn't appear to be afflicted with allergies, she usually sleeps for 7+ hours in a row at night, and is generally cheerful. I have not been sent down the dark road this time, and having done it all before, I have more confidence in my abilities as a mother, too. I have enjoyed my Critter as a child, so much it makes my heart want to burst, but I merely experienced him as a baby. Now, I am enjoying having a baby for the first time, and I'm loving it.

Then my sister goes and ruins everything, and leaves me feeling like I'm being selfish for finding joy in things like pureeing food, or finding cheap clothes for my children.

Sometimes, I really wish we could choose our family.

Generation Wired

~~I was born in 1982. According to most of the things I've read, this makes me Gen-Y, although I'm sure I read an article somewhere that classes me as Gen-X. Just.~~

I grew up with computers. I don't remember ever not having one in the house, though I'm sure there must have been a point when we didn't. I learned to type rather quickly when my father used the computer as a bribe in and of itself. Half an hour of Typequick and I was allowed to play on the computer - maths and spelling games mostly, though Alley Cat and some dinosaur game were also popular. Eventually he made it a challenge - whoever out of my sister and I learnt to type the fastest, would get $50.00, and since my sister had no interest in the games offered as instant reward, I won.

Over the years I've learnt to work various operating systems. I was confused beyond belief when my father first installed something called "windows" on the computer, and refused to use it. If it was my turn and Windows was open, I would immediately exit to DOS so I could find my way around. "cd.." and "dir/w" were my friends. Then, just as I got used to Windows, it changed. He installed a different one, and the 3.1 I had finally figured out how to work was no longer there. Suddenly, I had to tell the computer to turn off before I could push the off button, or it got sulky and refused to work. Not only that, DOS had become a hard-to-get-to lesser choice, despite being necessary for everything I used the computer for.

The changes in Windows since have been comparatively minor (and occasionally welcome - no longer do we need to push the off button after telling the computer to turn off), but the changes in the computers themselves have been huge. For one, no longer content with floppy-floppy disks and hard-floppy disks, CDs were added to the computer. The number of available drives became ridiculous. Especially since at one point we had 3 separate hard-drives, because our machine wouldn't accept a drive bigger than 2GB could exist. So we had A: (floppy-floppy), B: (hard-floppy), C: D: and E: (hard drives) and F: our super fast 8speed CD drive which was the envy of all my friends. Half my games were either on the big old "floppy" floppy disks or needed a bootdisk to run, but the newer ones on CD ran so smooth on our super-fast machine. And what amazing games they were. Games that took up so much file space the manufacturers decided not to bother spreading them over 8 floppy disks, but put the whole game on one CD.

It wasn't just computers though. Our mobile phone was amazing. Dad could take this phone anywhere and it would work. It didn't need to be plugged into the wall, and it had almost the same number as our landline. It would be put on the table when we went to restaurants, partly so everyone could see we had one, partly because at nearly the size of a house brick, it was far too large to fit in a pocket.

My father also brought the internet to our house fairly early for my peer-group. We were online in 95, and at one point we were paying only $5.00/hr for access, with a 28.8 modem. Super, super fast. And with 3 telephone lines (not including the mobile) I could chat online to friends in the US while my father sent a fax for work and my mother was on the phone.

My children aren't going to understand any of this. Mobile the size of a brick? 28.8 speed modem that sings at you as you connect?? 2GB hard drive??? Computer game on a floppy disk????? Since before he could talk, Critterbug has been "talking" on a mobile barely bigger than his hand. The only computers he's familiar with are laptops, and I doubt he's ever even seen a floppy disk. People may complain that my generation are wired, constantly talking on their mobiles, facebooking from their crackberries and talking into the air with their bluetooth headsets, but look at our kids. They have no other choice. Its a wonder they arent implanted with computerchips at birth.

ugh

Not having a good time at the moment. The kids are sick (how does a breastfed baby get a cold? Thats not supposed to happen), hubby and I arent feeling too crash hot either, Spaceghost didnt eat much yesterday, I'm having trouble sleeping, and theres various other stuff going on thats causing stress in my life, like cats, and jobs, and weddings.

On top of all that, my internet is being slow, and I'm having a lot of trouble loading anything. My solution? Hit the enter key REALLY REALLY HARD when trying to refresh a page. I know it won't make it work any better, but I feel like it will, and it makes me feel better to smash that button.

If only the rest of life was so simple.

why did i sign up for another one?

things are not so cheery in the house of kaeus right now. the critter has always been strong. both physically (pushed himself up on his arms to look around the room less than an hour after birth. the midwife was surprised), and strong willed. lately the strong willed part has become... excessive. he will not do a single thing he is asked/told, and resists any and every form of discipline, right down to "look at me when im talking to you please."

and its driving me insane.

he has a pair of sunglasses. he's not allowed to wear them inside the house. he went and grabbed them a few minutes ago and sat down to watch TV with them on. i asked him to take them off please and give them to me, because we dont wear sunglasses in the house. he took them off, and put them next to him on the couch. so i asked for them again. he looked at me and grinned. i stood up to turn off the TV and he started shouting NO!! NOOOOOOOOO!! and nearly threw them at me trying to stop me from turning off the TV. and after i got it turned off, he turned it on again. discipline ensued. so did screaming. im sure the neighbours think im a child abuser the way he screams if i so much as take a toy out of his hand.

and it happens all the time.

it started getting more frequent a couple months back, and its got to the point that he is being sent to his room at least once a day, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

every child has off days. every child has off moments on good days. every child has tantrums when they get over tired/over stimulated.

not every child has them every single day, only an hour after waking up.

not every child has to be taken out of church because they wont stop swinging a rope around their head, and tries to hit their mother and take the rope back when it is taken away in an effort to get the child to calm down.

not every child... right? tell me it wont necessarily happen again when spaceghost is 4. tell me this is a phase.. that its hormonal.. that despite his apparent enthusiasm, he's acting up out of jealousy over the as-yet-unborn-new-baby.. that he will go back to only occasional tantrums and be generally sweet natured again.. because i really dont want one of Those children.

its that time of year again

i need to make an appointment with my hairdresser. ive been putting it off. i cant just let my hair go raggedy for ever, but im dreading seeing her again. because its nearly christmas.

i havent been feeling so great the past few weeks. ive been snapping at people a lot, and ive been having trouble sleeping. i feel sad for no reason, and i just lack the motivation to DO anything. i was wondering if post natal depression had kicked in early, and then i realised. its nearly christmas.

christmas ahs always been a time of anticipation and excitement for me. the one time of year i WANT to get up a little earlier than usual, so the day lasts longer. seeing peoples faces as they unwrap the presents ive found for them. seeing their faces when THEY see how much i enjoy the presents theyve got for me. the beautiful heart-lifting christmas church service. TURKEY DINNER (i love turkey. id eat it all year). seeing family happy and joyful (for the most part) and the usually less antagonism than other get-togethers. and recently, my son, my little critterbug, so caught up in the excitement of things he doesnt quite understand yet, and the amazing crash and burn afterwards.

until last year. last year was a struggle. i dont remember much of christmas day. a few snippets of getting presents, and i think i managed to spill gravy on my clean white skirt.. the rest is a blur. there was something missing last year, and its still missing now. the addition of my giant belly is helping fill the void, but there will be a gap in my christmas for ever, i think. smaller each year perhaps, but there none the less.

last april i lost a baby. it would have been due around christmas day. last year, the baby was all i could think about. even when we painted critterbug's room that september, the excitement so evident in him (his own blue room! that he painted! and a BED!! with PIRATES ON THE SHEETS!!!!!!!!) wasnt enough to drown out the little voice in my head reminding me that there should have been a space left in the room for a cot, and a new set of drawers slowly being filled with baby clothes, waiting for december and the new baby.

and to top it all off, my hairdresser's first child was born last december. within a week or so of when i suspect i was due. every time i saw her, glowing and smiling and expanding, my heart broke a little. i was so happy for her, and so sad for me. and i was so angry at God. she hadnt wanted the baby, didnt think she was ready yet. she was taking precautions. she had even taken the morning after pill, and the baby had still stuck. why hadnt mine? what had gone wrong? why did she get to have a baby, and i only got to loose one?

im not so angry anymore, although it still hurts. if i had had that baby, i wouldnt be having this one. i would still be feeding the baby, and my baby-making-abilities last time didnt kick back in until the kid was about 15 months old (that surprised the doctor) - three months after he stopped feeding. theres also my husband. the chances of him agreeing to a third are very very slim. (not that he really agreed to this one. we have a habit of accidental conception.)

but seeing my hairdresser still hurts. seeing photos of her son, how big he is, how much hes growing. all the things i didnt get to see with mine. and seeing her now is going to be very difficult. her son turns one soon. mine would be having a birthday soon too. there should be extra presents under the tree in the other room. there should be extra time management needed to actually get my hair done.

its not as hard as last year. and next year will be easier again. spaceghost will be taking up most of my attention, i'm sure. and the year after that, there will be something else to fill a little of the gap.

but christmas will always be a little empty. now i really need those christmas day services i love so much.

being a parent changes everything

i went to the movies yesterday with my sister. it was her day off, and critter was in preschool, so we decded to go do something. she also gave me a lift to the hospital so i could book my bed for when the baby is born. i now have the phone numer for the delivery ward for whenever this little sproglet decides to turn up - hopefully not until february.

anyway. back to the movies.

there doesnt seem to be an awful lot out at the moment, so we decided to go see the duchess. im not a huge keira knightley fan, but the pretty dresses and historical content far outweighed her eyebrows and lips.

i think i liked it. there were some bits i kinda looked around the room and hummed to myself during, but generally i liked it. except one thing.

it made me cry.

my sister turned to be incredulously after the movie and said 'were you crying??' well yes actually. im pregnant, and therefor full of hormones, and im a mother. i defy any woman with children not to be horrified at the situation this woman was put in.



**SLIGHT SPOILERS**









can you imagine being told "you must do XYZ or you will never see your children again"? all i could think about was someone taking away my critter and spaceghost. i would do anything to get them back. ANYTHING. i went through a few tissues in that theater.


being a parent changes EVERYTHING.

I just don't know how to help

My husband's mother recently found us on facebook. Really not that hard to do when you know someone's name, is it. And i suppose its a good thing. International phone calls are expensive, even with a phonecard, and this way she can see pictures of everyone too. But.... it does cause some problems.

My husband does not get on terribly well with his family. Especially his mother's side it seems. His fathers side is not so bad, since he hardly has contact with those siblings, and hence nothing to have problems with. His mother, and his siblings through her however... well.

The major thing at the moment is, of course, the baby. She wants to know what it is. Hubby wants to know what it is. I don't. I didn't find out with the last one, and I don't want to find out this time. I told hubby he could find out - I'd stick my fingers in my ears and shout LALALALALALA while he was told - but he said it wouldn't work. He'd end up letting it slip. So we aren't going to find out. He got a message from his mother, and since he was in a bad mood and doesn't get along with her to begin with, he responded in a sarcastic manner. So she called him.

Which is probably a good thing, because its the only time he ever finds out how his father is doing. He had a stroke 2 years ago, and is basically paralyzed. He can talk a bit, and his mind is all there, but he can't move much, and he won't do his physical therapy because it hurts. And his so-called best friend, to whom he signed over power of attorney, has stolen all his money. So they need to cancel that, and now hubby's sister, who isn't his fathers daughter, and has problems of her own, is in charge of expenses.

And yesterday she gave hubby's mother a bunch of money, because hubby's father wants her to be able to come out here and see the baby after its born. He can't afford this. He also wants to send us money to buy something for the kids. He can't afford that either. And now my husband is sad because he is so far away from his father, and he can't do anything. He thinks that if he was there, things would be better. Possibly true. He would have had power of attorney instead of the friend, and his father would still have his money. He's been taking care of his family for years, he knows what to do. But his father still would have had the stroke, and would still be refusing physical therapy. And we would probably be worse off, and hubby would be stressed beyond belief all the time, instead of for a few days after the occasional phonecall or email.

And I just don't know how to help. I don't know what to say, or what to do. He is a long way from his family, and they are hurting, and he is hurting. And my hugs just don't seem to be helping.

im sad.

i feel oddly sad today. and i dont know why. im sure i'll feel better tomorrow. or maybe even later today. but for the moment, there is 'sad' hanging all over me and i feel droopy. good thing my kid is cuddly. cuddles always help. now if only i could convince him he doesnt have to strangle me to cuddle me....

figured out the chocolate

yup. guess it was comfort after all, without me even realising.


on saturday i went and got my hair done. got me feeling a bit better generally, since i looked a bit nice, but ive been feeling sad since. and today i figured it out.

my hairdresser is pregnant. her baby is due mid-december. mine would have been due around the same time as hers, give or take a couple weeks, since im not really sure how far along i was.

im so excited and happy for her, but at the same time, i cant help feeling like its not fair.

please dont tell me im mean or anything. i am fully aware that God has decided they are to have a baby at this time, and i was not. but that doesnt make me miss my dear one any less, or stop having irrational feelings about life not being fair. i lost a child. i am still grieving, every day. i wanted that baby. i still want a baby. or several. but God (and my husband) has not seen fit to allow me one at this time. and i still cant help feeling that life is not fair, much as i want to stop.

she wasnt quite ready to have a baby. she'd been thinking about it, and was planning on getting herself all checked out in the next few months to make sure her body was in good condition to have a baby, quit smoking and all that, before she and her husband decided to start trying. she messed up on whatever birth control she was using ONCE, and took the morning after pill. she was still smoking, drinking on a regular basis, eating all the wrong foods. then a couple months later, her doctor said she was pregnant. and she's going to have the baby in december, all things going to plan.

i was not on birth control, i decide to give it a rest while i discussed with my husband whether he was ready for me to have another baby. (birth control is not my choice. i really would rather not. my husband does not want more children any time soon, and much as i do, and think we should trust in God, i have to honour him.) we were still being 'careful', but apparently not careful enough. but then, just days before i was going to ask him to get a pregnancy test, i lost it. i do not smoke. (ive never even tried it.) i drink alcohol maybe 3 times a month, and know i had only ONE drink during my brief pregnancy. i know i didnt do anything to lose the baby, i know it just wasnt meant to be.

God's will can be so hard to fathom sometimes, so hard to understand, so hard to trust. i did nothing wrong, and the baby is still gone. she did everything wrong, and her baby is fine.

it just isnt fair.

and it can be so hard to put my trust in Him. to trust that for whatever reason, in whatever way, this is best. that something that hurts so very very much, can be God's perfect will.

and i try. i try so hard. and i think im getting better. but it still hurts so very, very much.

and the chocolate isnt helping as much as i want it to.

well.

i feel better after having my hair done, its certainly helped me get out of a little slump. but now my husband is upset with my sister and of course im stuck in the middle. i wish they could get along.

so many things to do for tomorrow's bbq. i just hope things stay civil til the end of tomorrow. i really would like things to be nice for my son's birthday party.

it would be easier if hubby could just ban her from our house, but of course, its not our house. its my mum's house, and she has a right to be here.

i dont know how much of this i can take.

not a good day

and im hardly into it. its not even 9am yet. nothing has gone wrong, i just feel... off. i just know im going to be too harsh on my critter today, wont get as much work done as i want, and will most likely be short with my husband at some point. and i dont know why. i will try my hardest not to, but at the moment it seems inevitable.

and praying isnt bringing the peace and calm it usually does. i wish i knew what was wrong with me.

all i want is to curl up in a corner and cry... and i dont know why. theres no reason. maybe i just need a hug.

i just dont know. my brain isnt working today either.

pain

i am having so much trouble right now, dealing with all the household stuff. i love my mother dearly, but i so wish my little family was our own, and not living with her still. everything is so expensive, i sometimes wonder if we will ever live jsut us. although if she does indeed take the job in adelaide, we will live here and pay rent, adn that will make things easier. but still, i worry about money, whether i ought to find a place for my critter in daycare and find myself a job, and i know hubby thinks it would be good for him, to spend time with other kids, to socialise. (personally i think we should just have more kids, and the kids can socialise with each other, but hubby doesnt know if he ever wants more, and the subject doesnt seem to be open for discussion at the moment. or in fact ever.) but i like being able to be at home. to cook, to wash, to raise my own son. who would cook if i was at work? when would the laundry get done, if it rains on the weekend, and im not home during the week when its dry? when would my husbands shirts get ironed, if im getting ready to leave in the morning at the same time he is? (i iron as needed, since everything gets re-wrinkled in the wardrobe, and ironing twice seems a waste of time.) and seeing as i have absolutely no qualifications, and even something like a receptionist seems to require a masters degree, what kind of job could i get that paid enough for it to all be worth it? to cover daycare fees, transport to and from work, buying ready to eat food, laundromat/drycleaner, and still ahve enough left over to contribute something to mortgage/rent/savings/whatever. i realise i am possibly being overdramatic here. but there is also the possibility this is entirely acurate. a few months ago i had a look for jobs. i am not certain there is anything out there at a decent wage that i would get. a job in a video store, although short hours and something i can easily do, is not a very big contribution, and the wage would very possibly be taken up entirely in daycare fees.

not just finacial problems either. i am getting over the heartwrenching pain, and i am not crying nearly as much, but it still hurts, and i still fear, and i miss my child. i know that it was small - i wasnt even sure it was there till it was gone - and broken, through no fault of my own, or my husband's, and there was nothing i could have done. but to feel that life stop.. and i know that it must not ahve been God's will, for us not to ahve another child now, but that doesnt make me miss my child any less. and i know that everything God does is for a reason, but that doesnt make me any less angry with him. and i know that it is ok to be angry, but that doesnt make me any less disapointed in myself. and i know that my dear one has bypassed all the terrible horrible things in this world, that it is now with God, protected and loved, and waiting till one day i am there too, that there will be no suffering, no pain, no heartache, for my dear unknown little one, but that doesnt make me want any less to hold my child in my arms, to watch it grow, to feel it grow. none of it stops the tears, or the pain.

dear God give me strength, i cannot get through this without you. i know you have a plan for each of us, but why must mine tear at me so? fill me with your peace, surround me with your love. i kneel before you in tatters, begging to be made whole again. i ask for myself, and for my family, who need me to be in good working order. to keep my house for my husband, to not neglect my son who is with me. to be support for my mother, and companion for my sister. i cannot do this alone. please lord, give me strength. strengthen my heart, to accept what has happened. to accept that i could not change this, that it is not up to me, and it is equally not my fault. strengthen me to do what i need to do, to live my life, to get on with my works, and give me the strength and courage to talk to my husband when i need to, to not try and deal on my own. to let him help me as he wants to help me, and not push him away. and please lord, let my body be ok. things are not back to normal. give me courage to see a doctor, so i can be sure of my health and my ability to do my work. in Christs name.

crying and praying alwyas make me feel better. but it is so hard. i so want another child. and knowing that my husband currently does not, and NOT knowing if he ever will... its so hard. i know he is worried for me. life was hard after the critter was born. i know my husband has my best interests at heart, that he only wants for me to be healthy, but i so want another child. and i miss this one so much. so so so so much. my dear one. would ahve been nearly half way there by now. time passes so strangely. ten weeks since my life went downhill. it feels like such a short time ago, and yet it also feels like years have passed. i need God's strength to get out of this funk, to get on with my life, to be there for my family. i know ive been no good these past few weeks, and i try so hard but i just cant do it... i will do it, and i will do it without medication. i will be a loving wife, a joyful mother, a happy housekeeper, with God's strength and peace i can do anything. but i give myself licence to cry. bottling up is not good.

i got through the toughest other time of my life, my son's birth, with God's and my husband's help, and i can get through this.