Fighting those jealous feelings

My husband and I got married when I was six months pregnant with Critterbug. Now, while obviously we didn't wait for marriage*, I did wait for him. He was my first, and will hopefully be my only (since for him not to be, one of three horrible things has to happen). I was not, however, his first, and sometimes that bothers me.

I know all about his priors. Who, when, where. While some women prefer not to know details, my curiosity is far too strong, and I just had to know what I was up against. I also get a giggle out of his stories, and it gives me an insight into who he was, and therefor who he is. It doesn't bother me knowing about these other women. I know he loves me, I know he chose me, and I know that no matter his previous experiences, he wants to wake up every morning with me. But sometimes I get jealous.

There are women out there who have a piece of my husband that I will never have. Women he knew before he ever met me, women who make up a part of his life that I will never be a part of. Oddly though, its not them that I'm mostly jealous of (although there are occasional twinges). When we started going out, he was almost 23, and had calmed down a lot from his teenage partying days (he has calmed down even more since then). They knew the boy, I married the man. I think I got the better end of the deal. And to be jealous of them, I also have to be jealous of everyone else who knew him before I did. His best friend, who he's know since 5th grade. His mate he rented his first apartment with. The girl he had a crush on in high school, who only thought of him as a friend. And yes, there are occasional twinges of jealousy there too, but they are fleeting, mere wishes that I could have known him longer.

Who I'm really jealous of though, is those women who aren't in this situation at all. Those who never thought "how do I compare?" because there was nothing to compare to. Those who never thought "wait.. what number does this make me?" because they knew they were the first. Those who have never experienced any of the thoughts that have gone through my head over the last 6 years.

I wouldn't choose any other man to be married to, but sometimes I wish our lives had been a little different.



*This is something I both regret, and don't, at the same time. I regret that I was disobedient to God, but I most certainly do NOT regret the consequences of my disobedience: my son, directly caused by the disobedience; my marriage, fast-tracked because of my pregnancy (my husband believes in loooooooooooooooooooong engagements. like 3 or 4 years kind of long); moving back to Australia; my daughter; my husband's current job, necessitating a move for us out of the city. I struggle with this dichotomy of my feelings, but in the end I figure if God has forgiven my transgressions, I need to just forget about it and move on.

Five years ago today...

... my life ended. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it really did.

I was 21, twelve-thousand km (seven-thousand+ miles) from home, had very little family nearby (none of it immediate family), was unmarried, and had just found out I was pregnant. I was totally in love with my boyfriend, but terrified he was going to take one look at that evil little stick and run away. My life was over. I cried so hard it hurt.

Life started again within minutes. Boyfriend didn't want to run. He still loved me, wanted to keep the baby, and proposed on the spot. I kept on crying, but it was happier tears now.

But it was a different life.

My old life really did end. The life of Young-Sarah. No major responsibilities, always enough money, time to have fun. A carefree life, and one that matched my friends'. We weren't living in the same country, but anytime I went 'home' I would fit right in, we would have things in common. We could go out and do silly things. Stay out in the city till five AM and catch a cab home. Spend all day on the beach and eat whatever we wanted for dinner. And boyfriend and I could do whatever we wanted. We could stay up all night playing video games. Spontaneously decide to go to a museum 3 hours away from home. Drive to Vegas for the weekend with no prior planning. Go to the movies every night for a week. Not any more.

I think I like my new life better. Filled with cuddles and the smell of new baby, tiny clothes on the clothesline, and terry towel nappies scattered through the house. Brightly coloured toys that make far too much noise, and long nights in bed with a small body snuggled against me. A 'big boy' intent on teaching his sister to play soccer, and tiny hands eager to help with anything sister-related. Prayers to look after 'the baby', even though she now has a name, and a four year old's arms anxiously waiting to hold her.

My life ended February 16th 2004, and I've never been gladder.

i have been absent

for quite some time actually. there have been things going on in my mind and in my life which have made writing to the vast expanse of lurky internets an unpalatable thought. so i havent.

Christmas is going to be hard this year. there should be another little warm body with me to experience it. and there isnt. and who knows if there ever will be? its in Gods hands, and im trying very hard to accept that, but its difficult. so difficult. i want to scream, and throw things, and generally act like an over tired 3 year old - ive been watching his tantrum and thats EXACTLY how i feel. i want something, but everything offered is WRONG and it makes me ANGRY and i just want to scream and collapse on the floor and fall asleep.

so thats been the past few weeks, and the reason for the lack of activity, if anyone out there actually noticed.



on to now. in which i will rant, and possibly make people hate me, but im sorry. hypocrisy annoys me no end.



anna recently 'came out' as jewish. for that i say YAY at being confident enough to do something that made you nervous before. i dont think many of your readers will turn on you - we are all God's children, following as best we can.

and it made me think about my father. and the many many problems i have with him.

i love my father very much, but unfortunately i dont like him very much. hes loud and yelly, bossy and self absorbed, can never admit to being wrong, and has the most annoying lecture voice in the history of the universe. but my biggest problem with my father is his faith. or rather, the hypocrisy with which he surrounds his faith.

my fathers family were - he thinks - originally polish jews. some of them moved to england sometime between the two wars, and changed their name to sound less jewish. others were not so fortunate, and im quite certain i have relatives scattered across europe in unmarked graves. not a comforting thought.

my grandmother was irish catholic, although my father's genealogical digging indicates that her family may have originally been spanish jews. my father was raised christian - his father was fairly non observant - and went to an anglican boarding school. it wasnt until his 30s that he really started the journey through judaism to his current beliefs.

im going to say right here and now that i know my father is wrong, and he knows i am wrong, and neither of us will Know until God decides the world is done. and thats fine. we are all Gods children.

i have no problems with my fathers faith, other than knowing he is wrong. thats fine. like i said, he knows i am wrong too. i do have problems with the way he puts things into practice.

no work on saturdays:
ok. fine. ive never quite understood how turning on a light is working, or how pressing the button to cross the road is working, but if youre not allowed to do so, dont. its between you and God, and really none of my business. what annoys me is asking non-jewish family members to go out of their way to come to your house to press the button in the elevator so you can go to synagogue... God can see what youre doing there. He can also see how youre getting around not carrying a set of keys in your pocket (this is the most peculiar 'not working' aspect ive come across) by ripping a button off your coat and using your 'keychain' to tie it closed.

modest clothing:
so women are supposed to be covered from neck to knees, and down to the elbows. and hair covered. this is more extreme than i, or many christians, take it, but again, between you and God. God currently wants me to wear skirts and cover my shoulders. maybe at some point He will desire that i always wear stockings, or shirts that cover my elbows, or cover my hair. i dont know. apparently he desires that your wife cover her hair, wear skirts past the knee, and shirts that reach past the elbow, and up to the neck. i didnt realise the rules didnt apply if she thinks there wont be any jewish men around. wearing whatever she wants in her own house, where no-one can see her? i can see that. im sure God doesnt mind me wearing sleeveless shirts and pj pants in my house when its just me here. but sticking to tsinius when she's in suburb B because its a jewish community, and wearing whatever she wants in the whole of the rest of the city because there are less jews around, well. God can see what your doing there. my husband is a man, whether he is jewish or not.

kosher food:
God does not want you to eat pigs. He does not want you to eat shellfish. He does not want you to eat meals that mix milk and meat. He does not want you to eat food made in my house, because our plates/saucepans/sinks etc. often contain both milk and meat, and very often pigmeat - usually combined with milk. double bad there. if YOU decide to relax kosher for one day so you can eat Christmas dinner at my house, that is between you and God. i'm not sure why you want to celebrate Christmas at my house when you dont believe in it, but hey. family gatherings are always good. but please dont keep on and on about it. God doesnt mind if i eat pigs, or a cheeseburger, or a non-kosher turkey, or pasta made with ham and cream, so thats whats in my house. i dont mind if you bring your own food, and paper plates to eat on, but this is my house, and it is NOT MY PROBLEM if you cannot eat because I DONT DO KOSHER. you know we are non-kosher, you should expect not to be able to eat our food. and yes, i still believe kosher chicken tastes weird. the lamb is good, the eef is good, the chicken tastes like chemicals.

hanukkah:
if you want to give my son hanukkah presents, this is fine. when he actually understands things a bit, i fully intend to explain to him that you dont believe the same as us, and im quite happy for you to talk to him all about what you believe. should he decide he doesnt believe in Christ, and wants to convert to judaism, i would be sad, but that would be fine too. if you want to give him presents for hanukkah, do so. there is no need to give him christmas presents as well. you dont believe in christmas. i know its become another 'hallmark holiday' but there is no reason to buy into all that. give him hanukkah presents. stick to your faith.

and on an entirely non-religious based note, would you please stop mentioning my weight EVERY TIME you see me? i have neither gained, nor lost any weight for about a year. its all in your head.

well.

i feel better after having my hair done, its certainly helped me get out of a little slump. but now my husband is upset with my sister and of course im stuck in the middle. i wish they could get along.

so many things to do for tomorrow's bbq. i just hope things stay civil til the end of tomorrow. i really would like things to be nice for my son's birthday party.

it would be easier if hubby could just ban her from our house, but of course, its not our house. its my mum's house, and she has a right to be here.

i dont know how much of this i can take.

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord

this term at bible study we are studying colossians. now, due to not having school aged children, and being generally unaware of time passing in the world around me (the only way i know what day it is is by whats on the TV, and whether people are home or not - weekends), i didnt know what week we started up again, and missed the first 2 or 3 sessions. and then there was a lot of family stuff going on, so after the one week i attended, i have missed 2 more weeks.

so last night, while my husband used my computer to try and fill out some questionnaire for a job interview (his computer has a funky keyboard thing going on at the moment and he wasnt sure he trusted it), i got my Cheat Bible and started reading. (my bible has cheat notes - notes on the meaning of the text, cross references, questions to make you think, all that stuff. some pages have so much in the way of cheat notes that there is only a line or two of biblical text at the top of the page, and the rest is full of notes and cross references.)

i like colossians. some books are boring, but colossians speaks to me. so i read most of the way through it, even though i only planned on reading one chapter. and of course, i have my cheat notes, so my inner Random Link Clicker turned into Page Flicker, and i kept chasing those references.

colossians does not have an awful lot to say in the way of "rules for christian households", as it is headed in my Cheat Bible - just a line each to women, men, children, and fathers, a few sentences to slaves, and a little to masters - but my cheat notes directed me to see also ephesians 5:21 - 6:9, which expands on the matter somewhat.

something that i noticed in this passage, even before i read the cheat notes, is that paul has a lot more to say to men about loving their wives, than he does to women in regards submitting to their husbands. and also, that the whole section is preceded by one important instruction. eph 5:21 "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

a lot of people see the 'submit' instruction as demeaning of women, and there are a lot of men who will seek to use it to their own advantage. the surrendered wives movement comes to mind here. the wives submit to their husbands, yes, but are the husbands loving their wives? ephesians 5:25 - 33 instructs men not only to love their wives, but to love them "just as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her", and to "love their wives as their own bodies." now, i'm sure there are couples involved in the surrendered wives movement for whom this is the case, but there are some where is isnt. that isnt really the point here though. the point is whether 'submitting' is demeaning, or makes us somehow lesser.

but theres that preceding note again. "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

my cheat notes have some interesting points on how men are to love their wives. "he should be willing to sacrifice everything for her. he should make her well being of primary importance. he should care for her as he cares for his own body." isnt that a form of submission? submitting to her needs, putting her first. he does not take advantage of HER submission by refusing his own.

this is not to say that we as wives should not submit to our husband's leadership. we should put him first in all things. support him, help him, however and whenever we are needed. but if he loves us as Christ loves the church, if he submits, in his own way, by sacrificing everything for us, then our submission is no cause for distress, and is in no way demeaning for us.


my husband loves me. and he serves me. he gets up to the randomly screaming child during the night when i've already been up 4 times. he lets me sleep in after said night. he cooks wonderfully delicious food. he buys me pretty things. he takes absolute delight in bringing me home little surprise gifts. he comforts me when i am in distress (which has been quite a bit lately and will be quite a bit more around christmas). he helps me when i just dont know what to do. he asks for my opinion. he CARES about my opinion. why should it be any trouble, or in any way demeaning, for me to submit to a man like this, who has nothing but my best interests at heart?

i do everything in my power to make my husband happy. make sure he has clean clothes, hot food, and a (reasonably) tidy house. if he wants something i'm not too keen on, i tell him why, but if he still wants it, so be it. he is my husband, and he has my best interests at heart. and so far, every time our opinions have differed and things have gone 'his way', even when i wasn't so keen, it's been the right decision.

why should i not submit?

long and rambling...

i've been reading over some of my old posts and decided i dont want to keep this one up. bu-bye.